The topic of bereavement has been on my mind a lot lately -- how we grieve, and who we grieve -- which losses hit us the hardest and why. Loss without the permanence of death can also be challenging, whether loss of a relationship or an aspect of one's own an identity. One thing is certain: loss affects us, whether we choose to take the time to grieve and recognize these life changes, or not.
Irving Yalom, a psychologist noted for being the "founder" of existential psychotherapy, suggests that all issues we face relate to one or more of four inevitable aspects of human existence: death, isolation, meaning in life, and freedom. Thinking about death and the impermanence of our own lives often triggers thoughts of isolation and fears of being alone; Yalom argues that we are actually alone all the time, which may influence how we relate to the third inevitable, meaning in life. We create meaning by forging relationships with others, by finding work or play that is fulfilling, and these efforts help us gain a sense of purpose.
Sometimes isolation seems like the only solution when coping with the death of a loved one. Being alone with one's thoughts can be a helpful way to grieve and to consider the loved one's role in one's life. "No one will understand" is a common refrain druing bereavement, or "people say such stupid things." Yes, sometimes they do. I would say that in U.S. culture particularly, death is not seen as part of the life cycle and natural order of things, and American-born individuals may not be raised understanding death or talking about it, but instead be brought up to try to deny mortality (have you seen all the anti-aging skin products advertised lately?) and fear death. When we lose someone close to us, we don't know what to do. However, if isolation lasts more than a few weeks, or one begins avoiding work or other responsibilities like personal care, it is recommmended that one seek professional help from a counselor, therapist, doctor, or faith-based helper.
Even when isolation is not that extreme, talking to someone who specializes in working with people around issues of death and loss can be helpful in supporting and recognizing your own personal grief process. Professionals are often less likely than family or friends to tell you what you should be doing or feeling. So go ahead: cry, stamp your feet, write in your journal, take a walk, call a friend, draw a picture, pet an animal, take a kickboxing class... Self care and acceptance may be the most valuable gifts you can give yourself right now. If you notice that you're drinking more alcohol or takng more drugs than usual or taking prescription medication beyond the recommended dose, call your doctor or alternative health professional --placing yourself at risk of blackout or overdose will not help you work through this difficult life transition.
